I wonder sometimes what it’s like for an adoptive parent who isn’t adopted themselves and has no experience of this family-making except through the lens of the experts who guide them. Being adopted myself, I know that my experience of adoption affected our choice to go forward – especially the ease of trusting that this child can be our child. I know it can be because I’ve lived it before, but I can see how strongly it troubles parents.
From our training sessions and chats with other prospective parents, it seems that there’s a division into two camps -the worriers and the non-believers. The worriers are preoccupied heavily by the losses and risks in adoption – you can feel the weight of their guilt at being the keepers of the baby when the ‘real’ parents can’t. The non-believers nod and smile their way through the training and the discussions about loss – but their detachment shows that they think it’s all BS: that really the baby will be theirs and that this is just a politically correct way of making birth families feel better. In these discussions, which really take place outside what’s being said because no one really says these things, everyone is really really interested in what I have to say.
Am I damaged? Who do I resent more? What trauma has been foisted upon me because I was given up? Will it really be ok? It’s a hard conversation to have for a lot of reasons.
My experience of adoption is just mine. Not anyone else’s – my sister was also adopted and grew up in the same house with the same parents, but I know her experience was different. Adoption is a reality in my family of origin and hopefully will be someday a part of my mothering story as well – but in truth, it’s a pretty small part of my identity. That’s certainly not true of every adopted adult – and there’s just no way to know how much an individual will draw on a particular part of their history in forming their sense of themselves. I can’t promise anyone that if they’re good parents who tell their kids the truth and love them that everything will be all right. Really, who can?
Even if my experience is typical (I don’t know if it is, really) and adoptive parents could gain some comfort from it, the adoption that my parents completed to bring me into their family over 30 years ago isn’t the same kind of adoption as they’re doing in 2010. Adoption in the late 70s wasn’t was it is today – my parents were chosen by a social worker, primarily it seems on the basis of how attractive they and their home was (it’s ok – it worked out 
).
The records surrounding my adoption were completely sealed and they had no expectation that I would ever have any contact with my birth mother, nor were they told I might seek it. In fact, it seems that it wasn’t uncommon even in those days for parents to chose not to tell their children about how they came to be a family. It’s shocking to suggest it now, but it was the prevailing wisdom at the time. Luckily for me, my parents were always open about my adoption and held brave against their own fears – but these were the underlying beliefs around adoption. A parent who is adopting today ( at least where I am) is getting exactly the opposite message.
I hope that the fact that I’ve been the child adopted and believe that it is the best way to complete my family gives hope and serenity to others. I hope it gives the non-believers some insight into the fact that even when it works out fine shrouded in secrecy and silence, it’s still isn’t the best way. And never was.
Filed under: adoption, attachment parenting on August 6th, 2010 | No Comments »